Ripped By mstoll
(Chatter and laughter)
Where is it?
Here.
(Low chatter)
- After you. Go in carefully. - (Giggles)
You know, it's a miracle he didn't hurt himself. (Giggles)
He slid down the whole of the last flight. (Laughs)
- Like a man on a bobsleigh. - Yeah, who'd lost his bobsleigh.
And when you went to him and said, "Can I help you up?"...
He said, "Hell, no, I've only just fallen down the damn things!"
Poor old David.
What do you mean, poor?
That flat of his hardly resembled a tramp's hostel.
I know. He and June have done it up pretty well, haven't they?
Makes this place look like a tramp's hostel.
Oh, now, come along, darling.
You know, every time we go out to somebody else's,
- I dread coming home... - You dread coming home to ours.
Please don't spoil a lovely evening. Hey, let's go to bed.
- Oh, at the Marie Antoinette room? - Oh, never mind the room, I just want the bed.
When did Marie Antoinette ever have Posture Springing, hey?
Oh, Oliver, look at this kitchen... and the living room.
I remember the first time you came back to this flat, six-and-a-half years ago.
You gazed around this room as though it was Santa Claus' grotto.
Now it's just grotty.
Sandy, I could put this place on the market tomorrow. I could sell it in 24 hours.
- Right. Put it on the market tomorrow. - Ri... I don't want to sell it.
- Well, we'll have to move sometime, darling. - Hey, now, why?
Well, you know, when I...
Well, when you and I... You know, when we...
I hope you're not looking for a place to have our population explosion.
Oliver, babies do not explode, they...
They just... appear.
Mm. They do a hell of a lot exploding afterwards.
- You know, darling, you owe it to yourself. - What?
- This is just a bachelor pad. - (Cackles)
You have moved up in the world since I moved in.
Have I? Well, yes, I suppose so.
True. Hm. Well, perhaps we could do better.
Mm, like another room.
- For the exploding baby? - For your own den.
My den, yes.
- Well? Can we ring the agents, then? - OK.
- Oh, darling, thank you. - Mm.
- Well, I'll get a good price, anyway. - Well, of course we'll get a good price.
Cosy place like this, all mod con.
Well, the con were mod when I bought it.
- A new home. Exciting, isn't it? - Mm. Marvellous.
Yes, I'm glad I thought of it. Mm-hm.
- Here's ours of the 9th inst. - Oh.
(Hums)
- Morning, Oliver. - Morning, Leslie.
- Tch-tch! - Morning, Oliver.
You're bright and breezy. Have you been at the health salts?
Well, we are moving. (Chuckles)
You mean leaving your flat?
Well, we can't take it with us, eh? (Hums)
You don't mean that Sandy is?
No, she's not...
People have been known to move without the wife staggering about in a maternity smock.
Quite right, Oliver. Actually, we're moving too.
- Really? - We've found ourselves a jolly nice house.
A house? Good grief, we're moving, not retiring.
You berk. I mean moving out of London's all the trend now.
- Peters has gone. Hadn't you heard? - He's in Purley now.
- Purley? - Richardson's in the next road to him.
- And Foster's gone to Croydon. - Croydon?
They visit each other's locals. They have dinner do's instead of cocktail parties.
He says the guests don't drink half so much either, because they've got to drive home.
- Ah, but what about their journey? - Journey?
Travelling to and from work - time and money?
- Oh, Peters says it's worth it. - Does he?
You see, it's not like the Underground.
You chum up with the regular crowd, have your own compartment.
It's like a men's club, you know, where you can criticise women and tell dirty stories.
(Laughs)
Then you finish up in the bar of the station and arrive home all hours.
"Sorry, darling, missed the train, then there was trouble with the signal".
Alibi courtesy of British Rail.
(Mimics steam engine)
Whoo-whoo!
Good lord.
Well, well, after all these years, moving.
Have you got a buyer?
A buyer? I should think they'd be forming a queue by tomorrow.
There's an estate agent coming round, this afternoon.
Mind you, as I said to Sandy, the place will sell itself. (Whistles)
And, you see, you can close the kitchen off, like this.
See? Keeps out the cooking smells.
I see. You've got a ventilation device, then, have you?
Er, no, we've got a bottle and you pull the wick up.
Have you? You saw the bedroom, did you?
- Yes. - And the bathroom en suite?
Mrs Pryde, the term "en suite" usually refers to a bath and erm... other offices,
being contained in a room solely adjacent to the bedroom.
Well, it is adjacent.
Mm. It's also adjacent and has access to a utility room and a converted coal bunker.
The bathroom is, in fact, a form of connecting corridor.
Well, it's not a corridor if you lock both ends, is it?
I mean, how many corridors have you seen with a bath, a basin and a loo in them?
I must confess, madam, that this is the first.
However, the flat does have a more open aspect than most homes in this area.
- Oh, thank you very much. - Don't thank me, thank that German bomb.
Of course, madam, if you give us instructions to handle the property for you,
- we shall naturally present its best aspects. - What "best aspects"?
You didn't like the conversion, the decoration, the creaky floorboards, the kitchen smells,
we're not centrally heated and you don't fancy having a bath in a converted coal bunker.
I can't sell a flat on the view of a bomb crater.
As I told you, I'm expecting a Mr and Mrs Gregson.
Yes, well, excuse me. Look, you will remember, won't you, to walk this way
- and not... that way? - (Creaking)
Yes, of course I'll remember.
- Do you want me to mark it with chalk? - No, no.
Hello, darling.
Ah, a gentleman from the estate agents - unless I've caught you out with a lover.
- Yeah, Oliver Pryde. - Adams.
Pardon? Oh, Adams, yes. Well, now, a little slice of paradise, I think you'll agree.
Ought to be snapped up by any young couple.
I'd say we were selling just at the right time.
Sorry, you are from the estate agents, are you?
Yes, yes.
Oh, good. I thought I'd been trumpeting our assets to the gas man.
Well, then. Open-plan sitting room, coat pegs - we're leaving those,
en suite bathroom, not a bad bath
if you use half a gallon of porcelain cleaner and put a chain on the plug.
Right, I moved in here eight years ago. I paid £7,500.
There's been a property boom ever since, so what would you suggest? £20,000? 25?
- We could try asking ten. - That's the st...
Ten?
- Ten. - Ten?
- Ten. - Are you sure you're not the gas man?
- You bought a 15-year lease. - Well, yes...
- And eight from 15 leaves seven. - All right, I went to school too.
- These properties don't stand up to a survey. - Oh, don't they, really?
I'm not parting with this for ten thousand in a property boom.
- (Doorbell) - Oh, that may be the Gregsons.
- The Gregsons? - Prospective purchasers. May I admit them?
- Yes, yes. - Thank you.
They'll go for this place. It's fuddy-duddies who worry about no chain on the bathplug.
- This is the right place. - Come in.
- Thank you. - Mr and Mrs Gregson, this is Mr and Mrs Pryde.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
- Hello. How are you?
I've only just seen the place myself but, I must say that, when Mrs Pryde showed me round,
I was struck with the charm and the opportunities for improvement.
Yes, he was struck. He was. He was struck.
- It'll break our hearts to leave. - It'll break them, yes.
- Why are you leaving, then? - What? Oh, well, erm...
- Well, he might be promoted. - Oh, yes, I might.
- And I might be expecting. - You might be?
Well... if I'm not, I er... well, I expect to be expecting.
Oh.
- It's a good size living room. - Yes, very good size.
We once had seven people lying on this floor.
Hm?
After a party.
Oh, yes. (Giggles)
Yes, it was after a party, yes. Before that, they'd been standing.
- The room is er... - (Creaking)
- I knew I should've used chalk. - I beg your pardon?
The room is open plan, as you can see, but the kitchen can be shut off.
Yes, it's detachable.
- It's a short lease. - Yes. Yes, it's reasonably short.
- Seven years. - Well, seven years is reasonable.
I mean, you might not live that long.
None of us know, do we, really? I mean...
BOTH: Here today, gone tomorrow.
I think the main issue in this sort of case is the feeling of the place.
Oh, yes, indeed. In fact I was so sure I'd be happy here, I didn't even have a full survey.
- You didn't? - I just used my eyes and there was this feeling.
- I mean, would you employ a surveyor? - No.
- I am a surveyor.
Well, from what I've seen and, bearing in mind the brevity of the lease,
I'd assess this at er...
- Ooh, eight-five. - Eight-five? He said ten.
Ah, he's put it on the market at ten, but he expects eight-five.
(Creaking)
Did you know about that board?
Morning, Oliver. How's the real estate business going?
Oh, what's up?
- Victor, you know our flat pretty well, don't you? - Yes.
- I mean, you've been round to dinner. - Not for some time.
- No, but you liked the place though, didn't you? - Oh, yes.
Yes. So, in these days of rising prices and property booms,
how much would you expect to pay for it?
Ooh, easily... (Inhales sharply)
- Yes? - Ooh, eight or nine thousand.
Well, I mean, it's only a short lease and your bathroom's rather strange
- and your floorboards creak. - Yes, I know.
Actually, I was thinking about your moving last night,
then I remembered that you want a modern kitchen and a split-level sitting room.
I'll be lucky if I can afford a split-level lavatory.
In that case, you might be interested in buying my great-aunt's flat.
It's in a mansion block in the South Kensington area.
- What's she asking? - She's been there for ages so it's old-fashioned.
- Perhaps she'll ask an old-fashioned price. - I'll give her a ring.
South Kensington... I wouldn't have to change at Earls Court.
Why not a house?
What?
Well, why just think in terms of moving to another flat? Why not a house?
- Are you joking? - I passed some nice ones for sale on the way.
And, oh, darling, it would be splendid to have you a bit nearer your father and me.
Oliver move out of London? I mean, he's hardly a dedicated traveller, Mum.
You know, any further than Holborn and he practically takes iron rations.
Well, one day you'll have to move, when the family expands.
In the last half-minute, you have just hinted at Oliver's two dirtiest words.
- What's that? - Trains and nappies.
I'd like to see you in a new place.
This one always brings back memories of the time that you and Oliver were er...
- Living together? - Sharing.
And I do think you ought to think in terms of a home
with a garden where my grandchildren can play.
Grandchildren?
Mum, I've just told you, Oliver's eye hasn't even got a twinkle.
Anyway, we can't afford a house.
Well, now, your father and I would be prepared to help you financially, with a loan,
paid back when you like, and no interest.
Now, why don't you just think about it, darling?
- Well, all right, I'll think about it. - Good.
Now, I jotted down the names of the agents for those houses. Would you like me to ring one?
Oh, yes, Great-Aunt Maud, a very nice young couple.
- Frightfully nice. Frightfully... - Mm? No. No family yet.
They're waiting to get the right home for a little stranger.
Yeurgh!
Pardon? W-Well, today.
Just a moment. She hasn't taken the bait, but she's circling the hook. When can you make it?
- I'd better ring Sandy. - He's just gone to ring his wife.
Then I'll ring you back. Yes, goodbye, Great-Aunt Maud.
- Oh, thanks so much, Victor. - If it comes off, I'm free for dinner all next week.
(Chuckles) I just hope Sandy's in.
He particularly recommends a house called Birch Grove.
A Mrs Harris. Here's her number.
- Well, Mum, I'm not sure... - Ooh, better still.
I shall be driving right past the house on my way home, so why don't I give you a lift?
Well, I'll have to ring Oliver first.
- (Continuous beeping) - Engaged.
This is how they spend the whole day, you know.
If you go round and see the flat, I'll keep trying Sandy and give her my aunt's number.
Oh, yes. Yes, OK, thanks, Victor, and I'll try and look as if I can't wait for a little stranger.
- (Chuckles) - Bye.
- The cupboards, you see, are a special feature. - Marvellous.
Put all your odds and bits in there. Well, that completes the world tour, Mr Pryde.
It's absolutely marvellous, Miss Walters.
- Rather old-fashioned by your standards, I fear. - Oh, we can soon rip out the...
...adapt. It's marvellous.
Well, thank you.
You see, Mr Pryde, I've been so happy here
that I want to be sure that the old place falls into friendly hands.
- Oh, our hands are very friendly. - (Phone rings)
- Excuse me. - Of course.
Hello?
- Oh, hold on. It's for you, Mr Pryde. - Me? Oh, perhaps it's my wife.
- Oh, I do hope so. - Thank you.
- Hello? - Oliver?
Hello, darling. I want you to come straight away and see this marvellous flat.
- Well, darling, I'm going to look at a house. - Look at a... a building?
What do you mean, a building? It's a house.
We can't afford a... a building.
Oliver, I'm not asking you to look at the Old Bailey, I'm talking about a home.
So am I and, at this moment, I am standing in one.
Listen, darling, now, it's in Norwood. Upper Norwood.
- Norwood? - Don't worry, darling, the natives are friendly.
Now, listen, it's Rosedene Avenue.
Rosedene?
Yes, now, there isn't a number, but the name is on the gate. It's Birch Grove.
- Birch Grove? - Yes.
- I'll see you there, darling. Bye. - No, no, Sandy...
Is she coming round?
Well, not immediately, no. She's looking at a building.
- A building? - An old building.
She likes ancient monuments.
I didn't know they had any ancient monuments in Norwood.
No, no, she does root them out, doesn't she?
But I'd love her to see this place. I know she'll like it.
Well, there is another couple coming, but I'll give you first refusal. How's that?
Thank you, Miss Walters. I promise you, it's just what we're looking for.
Mrs Harris, it's just what we're looking for.
Is it really?
Three bedrooms, a huge kitchen, and a garden.
Yes, well, I'm afraid it does need a little pruning here and there.
Never mind.
I'll buy my husband a gardening book and some secateurs. He'll have a marvellous time.
Splendid. Well, after that trek round, would you care for a cup of tea?
- (Doorbell) - Thank you. That's probably my husband.
Good.
Mrs Harris, you won't mention the gardening book or the secateurs, will you?
- No, of course not. - It isn't that he doesn't like hard work,
he just likes to decide for himself when to do it.
I quite understand. (Giggles)
MRS HARRIS: Mr Pryde? - Yes, I think I went next door.
Oh, you didn't? To the wrong house? Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. Everybody does it.
(Mrs Harris giggles)
He went to Birch Wood. Oh, dear. It is confusing, isn't it?
Two houses in the same road with nearly the same name.
- Hello, darling. - Hello.
I must say, I am delighted you called there. Mrs Fenwick must have been furious.
There was no reply. I thought you might be round the back, so I tried the side gate.
- Was the dog in? - Yes.
Oh, dear. He's a funny little fellow. Doesn't make a sound until he sees the whites of your eyes.
(Laughs)
Yes, well, I was just going to make us a cup of tea, Mr Pryde. Would you care for one?
- Thank you. - Not at all. You can discuss things, you know.
- What are you doing, looking at houses? - Sssh! I'm only looking at one.
I've seen two, and been savaged by a dog. Listen to me...
You listen to me. Come here. My mother has offered us a loan...
She'll be round here twice a week with her hand out for the interest.
- I want to go on living in London. - London? Well, where do you think this is?
It's two changes on the tube, one train and a bus, and I'm dropping.
Nonsense, Oliver. Her husband does it every day.
Then he must be kinky for movement.
Sandy, you must be out of your mind.
Erm, Indian or China?
Er, well, it doesn't really matter for me.
- What would you like, darling? - Indian, thank you.
- Indian, please. - Right.
India's nearer than China.
- Don't be so ridiculous. - I've found a marvellous flat in Kensington.
I don't want a flat.
To start a family one day, we'll need a house.
A house? Babies don't cry less in a big place, you know. Just means you've got further to run.
- Oliver, for God's sake... - Milk or lemon?
Er, well, milk for me, please. Darling?
- Milk, please. - Milk, please.
Right.
- In any case, we cannot... - You might at least have a look round.
- The woman is waiting for you to look at the flat. - I'll look at the flat if you'll look at the house.
I don't like this room for a start.
- Well, why not? - I hate the colour scheme.
When they interview retired people on television,
people are always sitting in a room like this,
and the man's always prematurely old because of the travelling.
What's that jungle?
- It's a garden. - Looks like a bit of Borneo.
I wouldn't venture out there without an elephant gun.
You wouldn't have to do it. I'd do it and Dad could help.
Anyway, in the summer, you and I could sit out there in deck chairs.
Who's guaranteeing all this fine weather? Are we nearer the equator here, or something?
Well, I don't like this room. Where shall we go next?
Oh, thank you very much.
- Well, here we are. - Oh, lovely.
(Sandy clears her throat)
Oh, do sit down.
- Well, now, how much has he seen? - Just this room.
And do you like it?
Yes, it's er...
It's very nice.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, we like it.
I was just saying to your wife, we've only recently redecorated in here...
...so you wouldn't have to do much unless, of course, you absolutely hate our colour scheme.
Yes.
Er, no. It's er...
It's very nice.
- Have you seen the garden? - Yes.
- Yes, well, of course, it is in a bit of a state. - Yes.
But, when we go upstairs, you'll be able to see next door's.
- They've done a beautiful job, haven't they? - Oh, yes. Yes.
- Beautiful. - Good.
Well, we can tour with cups if you like. I mean, I don't know whether you're in a hurry.
- Yes, we are. - Oh.
Oh, well, then, let's go at once. Shall we start with the kitchen?
There's a beautiful, new electric oven, darling.
You've always said you can only cook on gas.
I didn't like the house or the adjoining jungle. It's too far out, anyway.
Five days of that journey a week,
I'd have to spend Saturday and Sunday flat on my back in a darkened room.
(Rings doorbell)
Darling, please try and stop simmering.
I know you'll like this place. If she likes us, we get it at a good price. Right.
- Ah, Mr Pryde. - Hello, Miss Walters. This is my wife.
How nice to meet you.
Your husband dragged you away from the ancient monuments, then?
Er... yes, and she's dying to see the place.
Well, I was hoping you wouldn't be much longer,
because I gave that other couple second refusal.
And they're coming back to see what your wife decides.
Just made it, then, darling. Bit of luck, eh?
Well, isn't this a lovely room?
Yes, I knew she'd like it.
- This is the bedroom, darling. May I? - Oh, of course, please.
It's a marvellous bedroom. Masses of cupboard space. You know what it's like in our flat.
How about that, then, darling?
Yes, I knew she'd like it.
And here's the kitchen.
It's a splendid size. There.
You could bang about there to your heart's content, couldn't you, darling,
and toss omelettes, and things?
Yes, and the usual offices are unusual. That's a pretty snazzy wallpaper.
- It's an electric oven, then, is it? - Yes.
Well, I can only cook on gas.
- (Doorbell) - Excuse me.
What the hell are you playing at?
You didn't expect me to enthuse, did you, after the way you behaved at Mrs Harris'?
Mrs Harris was not a practical proposition, this is.
- It's all right for a flat, I suppose. - And a flat is what we're looking for.
- Why? - Oh, darling, it's all we can afford.
- But, Oliver... - House and garden next time, I promise.
- All right? - Oh, all right.
- All right. We've got to get it. - Mr Pryde?
I'm so sorry your wife didn't like my little home as much as you did.
What? Oh, no...
I've just told Mrs and Mr Perkins that, as far as I'm concerned, the flat is theirs.
- Oh, no, no, you see, my wife does... - They both came here earlier, you see,
and fell in love with it, just as you did, Mr Pryde, just as I did, 30 years ago.
No! No, I'm sorry, excuse me, but my wife does like it, I promise you.
- Mr Pryde. - Yes. Yes, I... Yes.
- Oh, really, Mrs Pryde? - I do. I really, really do.
- I mean, well, this is a beautiful room. - Yes.
- And erm... the bedroom is marvellous. - Marvellous.
I mean, oh, yes, all that cupboard space.
It's such a squash in our little flat and...
And the bathroom is marvellous.
- Yes, that's the kitchen, darling. - What?
Oh, yes. Well, the kitchen's marvellous too.
It's so big.
- There's so much space to... run about. - Bang about.
- What? - Never mind.
This is the bathroom, darling.
Oh, yes, it's marvellous.
It's marvellous.
Yes, well, I've had 30 very happy years here, with an electric oven,
and I should like to think of my old home going into appreciative hands.
I don't think you'd ever be happy here, Mrs Pryde.
- Ooh, I would, I promise you. - Now I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've made up my mind.
I do hope you have good luck.
I expect you'll be starting a baby soon.
Why don't you look for a house with a garden?
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
Oliver, I'm terribly sorry, but...
Oh, why be sorry? You've just given me a marvellous idea.
- Our flat's too small, right? - Yes.
I'll stay there, you move out to Norwood.
Hello, Oliver.
- How's the flat-hunting? - He's still hunting.
Oh, I know, it's absolute murder trying to find a flat.
I told you this morning, didn't I?
You should look for a house, preferably out of London. Think of the advantages.
Telling dirty jokes in railway carriages?
No, the clean air. All this smoke and dirt's so bad for the children.
They have chimneys outside London.
I read an article. If you compare our lungs with people living ten miles out,
they had a picture of what you accumulate over a year.
It looked as if someone had emptied a vacuum cleaner.
And, then, there's the garden, isn't there? Marvellous for children.
- You haven't got any children. - Ah, no, but, before the children start arriving.
I mean, it's somewhere to potter at weekends, a couple of deckchairs, tea on the lawn...
Was all this in the vacuum cleaner article?
Vacuum cleaner?
Yes, all that fluff you inhale in the air?
No, I've been reading a book on gardening.
There's a bit in it about people in London, you know, like us, in flats.
- They don't appreciate the seasons. - What? I know when it's snowing, mate.
With a garden - crocuses at the beginning of the year,
daffodils, trees bursting into bud, oh, God!
This chap said he reckoned, at a conservative estimate,
we're missing 30% of what living's about.
30%. Worth a thought.
What are you thinking about, Oliver?
I'm thinking of a little house in Norwood called Birch Grove.
Darling? (Chirruping whistle)
- Look, Oliver, I really am terribly sorry about... - Darling, no, no, not a word.
Sandy, do you know that your lungs are full of fluff?
- Fluff? - Yes.
- When did you last see the seasons change? - What?
Crocuses and daffodils and trees bursting into bud, oh, God!
- I can't remember. - Darling, please would you let me speak?
Please, now, brace yourself. I've given this a lot of thought and I have decided. Ready?
We'll buy that house we saw today.
- It's sold. - Beech Droove?
- Birch Grove. - Oh, God.
Look, never mind, darling, the most marvellous thing, a young couple came round today.
- Brace yourself, they've offered 11-five for this. - (Mouths)
And, ready? Mr Adams has shown me the most marvellous flat. It'll knock your eyes out.
Long lease, they arrange the mortgage and I am taking you round there to see it right now.
Oh, Sandy, how marvellous. You are the cleverest wife I ever married and I love you.
- Yes, erm, darling, there is just one thing... - Yes?
Yes...
The people that want this flat want it before the people that own the other place will move out.
You see, well, that means we'll have nowhere to live for three weeks.
But it's all right, darling, because I arranged that too. Ready?
- We're going to stay with my mother. - Hoora...
Brace yourself.
- It's only for three weeks. - Now, look, I'm not going to see this place.
- Oliver... - This is not fair...
(Conversation continues)
Ripped By mstoll